The Soul of Me

I once heard that 80% of horses in the US are owned by women. Another time I heard that one of the great imponderables of life was women and their horses. I'm not even going to try to explain either of these statements, but I can comment on my own personal feelings and I know that I'm not the only woman in the US who feels this way about my horses, but how do we convey to someone else what is so indescribable?

Do you imagine from time to time how things will be in the future? Do you perhaps see yourself in different situations ~ a dream you are working to achieve, maybe something about your children, or husband, or a different path to take? Can you see it? When I try to think about a life without Himself and my other horses, I cannot visualize it and I am filled with an overwhelming wave of anxiety and sadness when I try. I cannot visualize anything besides being here with them and when I try to imagine any other scenario, there is nothing, just blackness.

I have a lump in my chest every day because I miss Dahloura and Baazinah so much. Sending them to California was the "wise" thing to do and I am forever grateful to the wonderful ladies that are taking care of them, but my horses are not a hobby or investment -- they form the part of me that could very well be called my soul. There is a big chunk of it missing with those two mares away and if I were to lose the rest, there would be nothing left of me. It is one thing to hold the paper on the horses and something else to hold their sweet faces in my hands and inhale their breath.

My horses do not replace my daughter but I cannot say that I love them any less. Like all parents with more than one child, I cannot pick a favorite but love them all. Perhaps that is the only way to explain to a nonhorse person the level at which all of this affects me. My horses are my children, my significant others; they not only feed my soul; they are the very soul of me.